I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
