Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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