Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
