she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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