I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
And then he peed in my hair
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