I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
