if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I can't put those talents on a resume
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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