Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.