Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.