I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.