I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
