Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
