I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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