I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Boobs speak an international language.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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