i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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