Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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