Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
