I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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