I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We named our party play list daddy issues
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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