i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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