One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
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you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
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I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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