Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
