i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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