Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
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Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
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It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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