There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
