hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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