You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
