Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
