Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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