I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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