i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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