You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
