She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
