did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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