so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
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Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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