my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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