onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
