I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
