Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
