You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
