When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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