My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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