All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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