Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
