Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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