hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
