I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
