3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
