You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
