No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
