I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You took a bar mat shot.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
