After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
