Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
