I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
