Nicole vs. Life
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
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I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
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Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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