I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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