You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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