from now on my penis is your penis
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Help me help you realize you are a moron
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
